Get me the heck out of here!

His story was, I was supposed to be this woman who was once in a relationship with him but had to move to the East Coast. For that reason, we broke up. We had recently got back together. I was from some Part of California, I’m forgetting the name of the city. It’s a city somewhere in Central California, some place I had never heard of. I forgot it as soon as he mentioned it. This story, by the way he told me at the parking lot of the apartment where he lives. I mean, I’m good but not that good! Plus, again, what was wrong with the truth? I had to lie about my age too and pretend to be older than I am. Actually, now that I’m typing this, it’s occurring to me that, he may have had a relationship with a woman, older than me, from central Cali who I was supposed to pretend to be.

I’m glad I didn’t have to change my name as well, that would have been really hard.

He had told me that he is a mama mama’s baby, one of the reasons he wouldn’t have his mom live in a Nursing home. And had her and his sister move in with him instead.  He told me, “now that you will be living with me, you will get a better feel of who I am and how I treat women by seeing how I love and respect my mother. I call her Sweetie Pie. On my off Days, I cook for her and take her for walks in her wheel chair. Every now and again, I take her out for lunch to restaurants. My mommy is spoiled!” Lucky mommy! Right?

We got out of the car, walked slowly towards the apartment. It didn’t look as cute close by as it did the night we did a drive-by. He asked me one last time to keep an open mind about the mess and to remember we are going to sort it out together. He opened the door and BAM! In my face! Boxes and Boxes of stuff, There was a huge mountain bike next to the big flat screen tv his sister was watching, The aerial was slanting off, holding on for dear life next to a tiny, blue, fake Christmas tree. Sister was sitting on a love seat (two person couch)  in front of the tv with two cats, and mess all around her, there was a crutch near by too. I remember hearing she is disabled. I guess that explains the Crutch. She was in heels though! Go Figure! She has platinum blonde hair, with bangs, and was dressed pretty cute, skinny jeans, high heeled ankle boots, and a nice top and full make up on. The was more mess behind her love-seat, Mess, mess and more mess. That place makes Perry’s house seem like a neat freak’s dream! It was downright dirty! Forget ‘oh I’ve got too much stuff cos I moved from a four bedroomed house to a two bed apartment!” Dude, that was ten years ago, quit playing! Are you sh*tting me, right now! What the hell is this? No wonder you didn’t want to bring me here, he opted to fight people, crying race to have someone pay for a hotel bill you couldn’t afford just so you could hide this mess you live in. What the heck! I thought I was being punked! His eyes were focused on mine for a reaction, I just blurted out, WOWWWWWW! That project was greater than me. They needed Niecey Nash up in there #CleanHouse. There isn’t room to move the stuff to sort it out to sell it or anything. It’s a hoarder’s paradise. And the dude won’t stop shopping! These are people who have two storages over and above everything they have in the apartment.  She has a huge one somewhere and the rest of her stuff is in her van. Remember the van is her actual home, so she has things going on there, tons of gallons of water and Lord knows what. El on the other hand has his own storage in Hollywood and apparently more of his stuff is in the sister’s storage and then his car, an SUV is packed with junk, just junk. There are black bin bags in the back. I remember when he went to buy the cart in San Diego, he didn’t have space to put it in, it was mission impossible. He has bottles and bottles of Diet Pepsi in the pack, some full, some half full, some empty, some full and ready to explode from heat. Good Grief!

I extended my hand to shake the sister’s. I noticed that she has issues with her hand, the fingers are all crooked. She greeted me, and offered me a seat in the love seat (lol, don’t I sound like Clarence Carter; I got caught making love to another man’s wife). I was dressed all cute in my knee high suede boots and a cute dress. I got concerned at that point. What about my clothes! Are they gonna collect all this fluff, human hair and cat fur! Yuck! I had to be polite, so I sat next to the sister, trying to remember my script. So much pressure. El went over to the kitchen to drop the burgers. He seemed quite ok with everything, so comfortable, so at ease! What must have happened to someone’d head for them to be comfortable in that kind of atmosphere? I have pictures, I will post them as soon as I have better internet on a separate blogs with captions, to give you an idea. I am certain you will agree with me!

The sister and got a little acquainted. Then it was time to move on to the bedroom. He has an en-suite bathroom in the bedroom. It’s a two bed, two bath apartment. He had told me before that his sister is using the second bathroom as a Studio Apartment. That was supposed to be a jab at his sister, I thought it was hilarious and not fair. I was yet to meet this person, and he was already belittling her like that. Not cute. Especially for an almost fifty year old single man, who has never married. No offence to people who have never been married, I’ve never been married myself. The mess in the bedroom! It looked like a moving truck, can you say U-Haul? Packed boxes all around, against the wall, with enough space for the windows and then the bed was in the centre of it all. There’s a Chest of Drawers with tons of receipts on it, TONS! Coins, keys, measuring tapes. TWO of those! Remember when I asked him how big it is and he told me, he didn’t have a measuring tape to measure it? #liar

The bathroom was surprisingly clean, it gave me a feeling I was in a different house. The edge of the carpet between the bedroom and the bathroom had come off, you know the steel thing they put there, to keep the carpet down and to make sure you don’t trip? That came off, so the nails are sticking out. You can’t see them because they are brown, so is the carpet, so whenever I go to the bathroom, it’s Watch out! What out! Lmao, I can’t believe this! Every now and then he will let me get poked by the nails and burst out laughing. It’s comic relief for him to live in such an unhealthy, unsanitary environment. Ugh! The bed was kinda made. With really nice linen.

Before he met, he had mentioned in passing that he his barber had cut his ear a little bit when trimming his hair. He was still recovering from that. I didn’t know why he told me that cos it was obviously going to recover quickly. How bad could it be, right? Weeks later, we met, the following morning, I saw blood on the pillows and freaked! I thought he was bleeding through his ears or something! He was ever so nonchalant about it and was like, oh yeah, that must be my ear. What the heck, when is this ear going to recover? It had been a month already! Or longer!

There was no space anywhere for my stuff! I had three pieces of luggage. And nowhere to put them. He told me he was going to buy me a chest of drawers. AND PLACE IT WHERE, DUDE? There is a closet on the bedroom, full of his clothes, which are surprisingly hung neatly. It had been a long day, I was ready for bed. I couldn’t take anymore of that mess in (that’s what she said haha).

He offered me something to eat, I couldn’t, I was in way over my head, literally in this case! I just wanted to sleep.

It is too late to move back to Perry’s?